A Story of Her Life

I was lost in the garden of the past
then a butterfly came out of no where
She led me to escape the rain of pain
and dragged me out of the river of suffer
and now I am staring at the ocean of emotion
Preparing to drown in it

Well, it's an adventure anyway
Who knows I might find a bigger boat to conquer this mighty ocean
So let the time decide whether I am dying here or find a new island to settle down
I am more than a thrilled to rise in the east!

Here, I am no longer laying low
Not going with the flow
Look what I believe now
A cloud nine will visit me somehow

Kemarau di Tanah Semai

Aku berhadapan dengan murka ku sendiri. Sewujud dengan debur hujan yang menggerus batu kali. Sekeras aku memukul kaca dengan instrumen kayu. Apalah yang aku pertanyakan kali ini? Tak secuil pun senyum yang muncul untuk melawan murka. Untuk apa aku merajut dendam tak berkesudahan dengan ego yang lebih tajam daripada jarum? Untuk apa aku memanjakan amarah dengan sekelumit egosentris yang melekat dengan jiwaku? Dengan segenap ratapan bodoh berbau kelemahan tak menggubris jiwaku yang meronta - ronta, sungguh tak terarah. Aku merasa menjadi manusia dungu dengan segala ambisi negatif yang kini kian tak terkendali.

Jangan tatap mataku! Berani kau tatap mataku? Kuhantam batinmu dengan kesinisan prasangkaku!

Aku sedang tak bisa menjaga diriku, jadi janganlah usik aku dengan cerita bodohmu. Karena kali ini, keledai pun tidak lebih dungu daripada aku. Tetapi, percayalah pisau bermata dua pun tak kebih menyakitkan dari reaksi ku terhadap aksi mu.

A Dagger to Kill A Soulless Life

please don't stop climbing
please don't stop trying
please don't stop fighting

like a blood drops from a knife
like a dagger rips my life
you, devil by name a sacrifice
a deviant trembling bones you alive
thrive
it expands nothing like
happiness in a wild
stop ripping my life
my soul alive
i wanna keep it alive
for once in a life
i wanna find a passion to die
waiting for a soul to arrive

you morose
a thorn in a rose
you prose

no
don't
be here still so
like my mind and my love
for you, moron.....

A Letter from Feminists

Fierce and fly
Let those thoughts blow your mind
Let me catch your sight
Fly high
Remind me to break the style
When the woman shows her thigh
Let there be yourself shy
What's in your mind?
Don't break your fight
You may get high
As long as you don't go into the fire
Keep it dignified
Keep yourself in the light
Say it, women blight

We women swear, tear but we bear
Like we don't care
But we like to share

We women crush and rush
We push as solid as tush
But you man, you are a bush
To hurt us and say "shush!"

Flip and flop
You gotta stop
Let those thoughts only be the thoughts
Don't let it cross
Over the distance of the globe
Let there be a snow
Over the Europe
Let stow
But don't let your mind tied by the rope

Rendaman Duka Dari Sahabat

Ia memutuskan untuk berselingkuh dari keyakinannya selama ini untuk selalu percaya pada
sahabatnya yang selama ini telah ia cintai. Ia meruntuhkan segala kasih sayang dan perhatian
nya untuk sahabatnya itu. Oh, tidak, aku membuat kesalahan dalam kalimat ku sebelumnya. Jauh
merasuki logika dan perasaan, aku yakin kasih sayang dan perhatian yang dulu selalu ia
bubuhkan setiap saat untuk sang sahabat tercintanya itu telah runtuh bersamaan dengan
kepercayaan yang pernah ia berikan sebelumnya. Ia menatap nanar kepadaku, seakan matanya
memohon dan meraung - raung untuk mendapat secercah kenyamanan dari ku. Namun aku
memutuskan untuk membantunya untuk mengobati dan membalut luka - luka yang bersemayam
dijiwa dan raganya. Luka yang mengiris - iris segenap hati dan ego nya telah jauh
menghancurkan segala memori bahagia dalam hidupnya. Ia seperti tenggelam dalam racun
purnama. Seperti menatap malam dalam - dalam tanpa khayal dan angan.

Gelak tawa manja yang dulu ia miliki kini sudah sirna bak Dewa Surya yang menanggalkan diri
nya dari bumi ini. Ya Tuhan, apa yang kupikirkan? Jangankan untuk tertawa, aku rasa untuk
tersenyum saja ia sudah lupa bagaimana cara untuk menggerakan otot - otot di wajahnya.
Seperti ini kah rasanya patah hati? "Tidak! Hatiku tidak patah! Ini telah hancur berkeping -
keping! Ku mohon jangan kau remas lagi sisa - sisa kepingan ini. Biarkan saja begitu. Ini adalah
sisa kepingan terakhir yang ku simpan untukmu." Ia berkata. Aku mulai mengerti. Namun kini ku
sadarari bahwa aku hampir tenggelam dalam kelamnya dunia yang ia lihat.

Kau tahu apa yang ku lakukan untuk ia? Dari segala kelemahan ku, aku hanya mengupayakan
sekuat tenaga ku untuk mengukir senyum bagi dirinya. Untuk meluruhkan atmosfer kelam yang
menyelimuti kami berdua. Gairahku untuk membahagiakannya semakin besar, segaris lurus
dengan empati yang kini kumiliki. Kau tahu artinya? Jauh dalam diriku, aku ikut menangis. Aku
ikut tercabik - cabik. Aku ikut terombang - ambing dalam deburan ombak liar yang merenggut
nafas.

Namun apakah kau tahu siapa aku? Aku adalah seseorang yang ia temui 3 tahun lalu di depan
gedung yang dipenuhi oleh manusia - manusia berkostum putih abu - abu untuk menuntut ilmu.
Aku adalah seorang manusia dengan hati yang keras dan hampa. Aku adalah seseorang yang kini
menjadi satu - satunya harapan bagi ia untuk berhenti bermuram durja. Aku adalah satu anak
hawa yang ia ingin kan untuk tetap berada di sisinya saat ini. Aku sudah mengatakan padamu
kan, tentang kekerasan hatiku? Baiklah, untuk menjadi selimut penghangat jiwa baginya adalah
hal yang sesungguhnya sulit untukku. Namun sejujurnya aku, hanya tak ingin ada seorang anak
hawa lain kehilangan jiwa nya karena satu perbuatan bodoh anak adam yang menyakiti dirinya.
Anak adam itu lah yang berselingkuh dengan sahabatnya. Ya, asal kau tahu, sahabatnya itu
adalah seorang anak hawa yang tega mengiris kulit - kulit dan daging hingga jauh dalam
menghunus serpihan - serpihan terakhir saudaranya sendiri. Ironis.

Berjanjilah padaku bahwa ini adalah rahasia antar kita saja, Jangan katakan pada yang lain jika
aku telah mengisahkan ini pada kalian. Karena ini adalah kisah ia yang hatinya telah hancur dan
telah kehilangan segala emosi positif dalam hati dan pikirannya. Cerita kelam dari belantara
kehidupan remaja yang beranjak dewasa. Sungguh aku ingin sekali megisahkan ini pada kalian,
agar kalian tahu bagaimana menderitanya ia yang kalian sakiti dengan sebuah pengkhianatan.

Jika kau bertemu aku suatu saat ini, berjanjilah, untuk tidak mengantarkan cerita yang sama
seperti ia. Sudah cukup aku lihat ia yang tersakiti dan menyedih akibat satu kata bernama
pengkhianatan. Entah kau adalah anak adam atau hawa, aku tidak peduli. Satu kata
'pengkhianatan' bagiku kini telah mengundang berbagai kesedihan dan trauma untukku. Tadi
sudah ku katakan, kan? Aku adalah manusia dengan hati keras yang luluh akibat ia yang
terkhianati datang padaku untuk meminta keselesaan. Ia yang telah dikhianati oleh sahabat dan
kekasihnya. Ia yang hampir mengakhiri hidupnya karena satu kisah cinta yang gagal. Ia yang
telah mencurah kan segenap hatinya untuk kedua orang busuk hati tersebut. Ia yang kini tak
mempunyai dunia lagi.

Ku mohon, katakan padaku bahwa ia adalah korban terakhir yang dilahirkan dari pengkhianatan!

SO LONG BESTIE

*This semester, I have a Creative Writing Course for 3 credits, so I decided to publish one of my works on this class, man, I worked my ass off to get this done*

“Hello Kay, you there?”

“Ya ya, it’s 3 am, you jerk. I’m in the middle of my dream,” said Kayla in heavy-sleepy-voice.

“It’s 3 pm here, ok? Anyway I have to say how much I love you, I miss you, I hate you for not being here. Because I got 2 good news! First is that I got a job at Tacos and second is that I’ll be going for a holiday in New York! Can you just say ‘yeay’?” said Rayan excitedly.

“Man, I hate you! Stop making me jealous please. So, when will you go there? Do me a favor by sending a Forever 21 product?”

“Such as?”

“Anything, blazer, skirt, shoes. Anything, pal, you’ve known me since we were 12. I believe you know my taste. Am I right?”

“Jolly good, jolly good.”

“Ray, since when did you speak British?”

“Hahaha. Calm down, Kay. I met Mayer, a British guy in class yesterday. The accent is infectious, girl. Anyway, go back to sleep and have a nice dream, Kay. Bye.”

“Bye, Ray. Talk to you later on Skype.”

As Kayla puts her phone on the bedside, she keeps wondering how New York would be a beautiful holiday destination. She whispers to herself, “to meet my best friend and have some holiday will be awesome.” Then she goes back to sleep in her brown painted room, 4mx6m sized filled with one door grey refrigerator in the corner, a water dispenser next to the refrigerator, a 29 inch television hanging on the wall right across to her bed, a desk in the other corner of the room, a drawer right in front of the bathroom and a tree shaped coat hanger next to. A crowded room which she loves to live and become an anti-social.

Well, what would you say when you stayed away from people you feel only comfortable with? She has become so apathetic since she stepped her foot in college, she’s been living with her gadget to talk over the phone with her boyfriend and best friends who live far away from her. All she’s been doing is checking on her phone and smiling over the notification. A kind of life where nobody can imagine how lonely she is. She used to be an extrovert cheerful girl, laughing without any control, enjoying life, travelling to a lot destination, dreaming something big and being a very good listener. But, everything’s changed right after she couldn’t find her soul in Malang, the city where she decided to go for university. She thinks she’s made a huge mistake by picking Universitas Brawijaya as her choice in the first place. And now the only way to live in Malang is to survive.

**Next morning at Kayla’s room

“Shit! I’m late! 20 minutes? What am I? A heavy-sleeper cow?”  She groaned. She quickly jumps out of the bed and goes straight to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face rapidly. Then she grabs whatever cloths she thinks suitable for today. She looks into a clock hanging on the wall, it shows 9.25 and causes her more panic attack. As she grabs her phone on the bedside, she is slipped on the slippery floor. “EVERY MORNING, KAY?” She screams lividly. At least she’s still clumsy and it doesn’t change. Quickly she gets up, reaches her phone, grabs her bag and leaves.

***In the campus

Kayla knocks the door, “sorry ma’am, I’m late” said Kayla.

“Ok, please come in, and find your seat quickly.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“Oh, Kayla, what is your excuse for coming late now?”

Kayla shows a smile, “I’m so sorry, ma’am, I got up late because my alarm didn’t work.” Kayla told the truth, she forgot to change the battery yesterday and this morning she paid the price. Luckily, Mrs. Emma let her come in today. Well, every time she comes late, she’s been very understanding and kind.

As Kayla finds a seat next to Dina, a girl she met in the first day of college, she checks her phone out. There are 2 missed calls and 4 messages from Jonathan, her boyfriend. She’s secretly being happy even though they had a fight last night. “I knew you would text me first and asking for apology.” She whispers as she replies, “Good morning, pumpkin! No need to apologize, it was my fault too, for not letting you knew that I went out so late and made you waiting for me too long.” She doesn’t change a bit, she’s still selfish. She knew it was her fault but she didn’t want to apologize. Kayla is still Kayla.

She puts her phone back into her bag, and begins to listen to the lecturer for a while, writes couple things she needs to remember and suddenly gets slipped her mind into the ‘observing things’ she always does. She notices every emotion inside the class. Like Mrs. Emma is being cheerful today because she puts her stuff neatly on the desk, she wears pink matching clothes on and her voice tone is higher than usual. Or like, Widi, a boy Kayla dislikes so much, he always looks mess but she can see how he’s not happy sitting next to Fahmi, a critically talkative boy in class, and Widi definitely got distracted even when Fahmi is not talking. She senses every hate and like in this class even when she acts so apathetic to everyone. While stares out the window, she feels blessed to see a mountain view  with the fresh air blows into the class, the sun shines brightly, birds are chirping outside, trees are dancing with thewind, the sky is blue. A perfect picture she likes from this city. And then she lost herself in day dreaming.

“Kay, are you going home this silent week?” Dina suddenly spoke to Kayla.

“Of course, I have more life there than here. Why?” Kayla replied.

“I was wondering, are you going by train or plane? I’d like to join you.”

“Oh, I’ll go by plane. I have planned it since last week and Jonathan will pick me up there. Yeay!”

“What date will it be? Have you bought the ticket yet?”

“Yes, I have. I took Citilink on 24 December at 8.30 pm. A night flight from Juanda to Soekarno Hatta. Can you believe it, the semester is almost done, in 19 days by the way, and I haven’t even felt anything I can enjoy here?”

“I know exactly your problem. We used to live in a big city and suddenly stranded in a small one, live far away from everyone we used to live closer, dislike the foods here. I miss Burger King by the way. So yeah, I do understand. But please, be more open to people around, Kay.”

“I don’t know, I don’t understand the language at all. It sounds freak, extremely freak. The accent sounds funny. I feel very dumb, Din. What am I supposed to do? I prefer dealing with my loneliness than the language. Even some lecturers use the language sometimes in clss. How worse could it be?”

“Ya, I know. What can we do? Just get a degree as soon as possible.”

“Believe me, that is my plan.”

***Next week night at Kayla’s boarding room

“Kay, where were you? I’ve been waiting on skype for 15 minutes.” Said Rayan on the phone.

“You didn’t tell me.”

“Well, I am now, jerk. Go online, now like really now. I have a news!”

Kayla goes straight to turn on her laptop and go online. She senses that the news is about a girl, the idea just popped out from nowhere but she’s definitely right about that.

“Hey! I met a girl from Thailand! She’s sexy, pretty and smart. And next week she’ll be moving to my apartment!”

“Ya-ha. Sounds scary! When did you meet her again?”

“3 days ago. She completely stole my heart, mind and brain. I’d like to be with her. I’m in love, ok? Can you see from this video?”

“What on earth did I think when I picked your video call? Is this some kind of joke? You barely know her and the next thing she’ll be moving into your apartment? I thought your apartment has only 2 bed rooms which are yours and your brothers. Oh oh. She’ll sleep in your room? Have you lost your mind? You’re not even 20, not get married, your money comes from your parents even your salary by working part time at Tacos only enough to pay your 2 weeks living cost. Is there any bomb you want to drop again? It’s coincidentally Friday the 13^th for God sake!” Kayla’s freaking out and speaking in a high tone.

“So what’s the big deal? My brother is living with her girlfriend next door. And I don’t get the same chance? I’m living in a liberal country, this is my right.”

“And yet you have a right to jeopardize our friendship.” Kayla lost her mind looking into Rayan’s yellow room, she gets focused on a MXPX poster behind Rayan. She then drags her eyes into her beloved best friend’s face and can only see a moving mouth like a silent movie. Her heart broke knowing that her best friend has changed and got overwhelmed by the freedom he got there.

“……..KAY! Kay, are you there? Where do you put your mind? You hear me? Look alive!” Rayan begins to feel guilty to Kayla. He knew that this isn’t something good to tell Kayla, but they have made promise to tell each other everything truly, they’re best friend after all. And suddenly his heart also broke seeing Kayla dropping tears. He quickly claps his hand and says, “don’t drop any tears now, you girl. It’s not the time. I’m giving you a good news?”

“A good news? Aren’t you afraid of making sins? You don’t obey the rule. God’s rule! By sleeping with a girl which is not you wife yet? And what else…..”

“Whoa whoa whoa! Stop right there, girl. Are you talking about God now? Wait, do you even go to pray 5 times a day?” The heat between them are increasing.

“I might be missed 1 or 2 sometimes, I might not do it perfectly but I try to make improvement everyday. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t eat pork or dog, I SLEEP ALONE EVERY NIGHT! She yelled over the microphone.

“So you blame me because you sleep alone every night? You got mad because of that? Believe me, girl, that is ridiculously stupid!”

“OH MY EFFING GOD! I have the most ridiculous best friend that I used to know! Please, God, bring my best friend back into his body. This is not the one I’ve ever ordered to be mine.” Kayla’s drowning in tears, and ends the call straightly. She cries all night, wondering how to get Rayan back into someone he used to be. She definitely feels broken now, losing someone she trusts the most, one of her best friends she feels comfortable with.

Meanwhile in The Veridian, the apartment when Rayan and his brother live, Rayan is laying on his queen sized bed looking all over his room. The wall is soft yellow contrast to the red carpet, some posters of his favorite bands are hanging above the study desk, some stinking socks are lying around the floor, a basket next to the door is practically full. Then his eyes and mind are focusing on a photo with solid green frame he took with Kayla 7 months ago in Pari Island on his study desk. It was the last and a beautiful holiday he had with Kayla and 7 others. And now he really wants to go back to that time, he would hug Kayla as tight as he could now, he wanted it so bad. Then Rayan begins to look all over his room again. His eyes are captivated into George Washington University sweater. A black colored sweater with letter G and W printed in white and big on the chest right in the middle. “I got here, I learn politics, she couldn’t go to Monash, she couldn’t be a Pediatrician, she is stuck alone thousand miles away over there and now I hurt her? What kind of best friend am I? I’m a terrible person.” He spoke to himself. As he realizes the sound of ticking clock he drags his eyes into it. It’s 11 am now, Rayan thinks that Kayla is probably sleeping right now. If couple months ago they spent Friday night together, now they fought over the idea of rules and freedom. Washington has Friday morning now, and Malang has Friday night now. They are separated by time and distance, their emotion are trapped between. They cannot find each other in the way they used to do. If couple months ago they were easily driving into each other in the traffic jam of Jakarta, now they could only talk to each other in a space called internet.

Rayan walks lazily into his drawer in the corner of his room. He grabs a bag he’d like to use to put his cloths and stuff that he will bring to New York in less than 72 hours. He will have this holiday with his brother to enjoy the legendary New York City and visit Central Park as he’s been always wanting since Kayla told him about her holiday back there in 10^th grade. “Time Square, Central Park, Brooklyn, I’m coming but not with the one I promised you to go with, she’s mad at me in this very moment.” Rayan spoke to himself as he’s packing his stuff.

“Oit bro, here’s your ticket for Monday, remember we have a morning flight from Ronald Reagan to JFK, depart at 6 am, arrive at 7.08, delta airlines. Got it?”

“Can’t you knock the door?” Rayan was shocked when his brother suddenly sitting on his bed. He didn’t even hear any footstep.

“Calm down, little boy. The door isn’t even closed, so what do you expect, huh?” His brother replied.

“I expect you to respect my privacy. Is that too much to ask?”

“Nah, you’re exaggerating. Anyway, I’m done here, I gave you the ticket so you be grown up now prepare all the stuffs and documents needed. I won’t let you ruin the holiday by missing any immigration document and make us stuck in the airport. Is that clear?”

“Crystal.” Rayan replied shortly.

Unfortunately, Rayan and Kayla aren’t speaking to each other until the next ten days. Then when it is 23 December 2013, a photo message notification pops in Kayla’s phone. It said, “isn’t it beautiful? Everything is white, except the people are wearing their best winter outfit. A joyful ice skating day.  Everyone seems happy skating with people they love. And I’m missing mine. Join me here? XOXO”

Kayla looks into the picture, Rayan is wearing the blue shawl she bought for him last year for his birthday. He is smiling so happy wearing the black skating shoes, bringing the same navy blue Converse bag as hers that they bought together before going to college last June. And how jealous she is to look the scenery behind Rayan which is very whitely beautiful just the same picture she remembers in her mind back in 3 years ago there.

Couple minutes later next picture popped up. The caption is, “it’s fuckin Plaza Hotel, baby!” And yes it’s right, a half body photo of Rayan posing ridiculously in Central Park with the Plaza Hotel in the background near the frozen river. Again, it’s whitely beautiful and Kayla can’t stop being jealous of him. How couldn’t she be jealous, she always loves the tastes of foods served in New York food truck. She misses the lights in Times Square. Even Starbucks in New York has a different atmosphere than in usual Starbucks in Jakarta. Instead of replying Rayan’s message, Kayla straightly text Jonathan, “baby, will you take me to Starbucks in TIS Square tomorrow, ok? Don’t forget 9.30 pm tomorrow, terminal 1C! Love you.” That is where the favorite Starbuck Kayla loves to hang out, it’s only 20 minutes from her home and where Kayla and Rayan used to go to have delicious green tea latte every Friday night together.

***Next day

“Din, are you ready? It’s 4.15 and driver of the travel who would pick us up is already here? I’m going straight to your place in 5 minutes. Ok?” Said Kayla to Dina over the phone.

“I’ve been waiting since half an hour ago. Of course I’m ready. Take care, Kay.”

Kayla drags the suitcase with her right hand and holds a purse with her left hand as she walks down the stair she ask a security in her boarding house to take her suitcase.

“Are you going back to Jakarta, mbak Kayla?” Asked the security guy.

“Yes, I am. Please take my suitcase into the silver Avanza out there, I guess it’s been waiting for 10 minutes here.”

The security guy brings it and say good bye to Kayla. As she looks into the figure and the building the she’s been living for 4 months fade away as the car is leaving.

***In Juanda International Airport

“We’re here. Gosh! 3 hours long to get here, Din, can you believe it?”

“Doesn’t matter we’re here. In couple hours we’ll be home, Kay.”

“Now we’re here, just have to wait here until the time to check in.”

Until the time they both go for checking in at the Citilink counter, go straight to the waiting room, and enter the plane. How Kayla loves sitting in the window seat looking underneath seeing the lights of the city, that’s why she always picks the night flight. Less than 2 hours she’ll be enjoying the green tea latte she’s been wanting and thinking for 4 months because she can’t find even one small Starbucks in Malang.

“Welcome to Jakarta for all the Citilink passengers flight number QG 9725, there’s no time difference between Surabaya and Jakarta. So we will be landing soon in 21.27, in Soekarno-Hatta International Airport. Please fasten your seatbelt.” The flight attendance announced.

The plane has landed safely, Kayla and Dina quickly grab their small suitcases above them between the crowd of the people who are also eager to grab theirs too. “There’s nothing better than hometown, girl! And here we are!” Said Dina excitedly.

“The best thing is we don’t have to wait for baggage like hell down there.”

Both girls walks fast to meet their picker, Kayla is very sure that Jonathan is waiting outside and Dina’s brother is also waiting outside. “Finally, hometown! Finally! Roti Bakar Eddy, Burcik, Calais Tea, Churreria! Bakerzin! BurgerKing! We’re gonna be fat bitches here.” Kayla yelled excitedly as they both are walking toward the gate.

It’s just like the usual airport, crowded, full and they looking for each other’s picker. In just 30 seconds Dina can find his brother, she takes Kayla and introduces her to him. “Bro, this is my classmate, Kayla Dayanna, she lives in Pondok Kelapa.”

“Hello, I’m Guhti Irfandi, just call me Iguh.” Dina’s brother replied.

They’ve talked for couple minutes and the next thing is Dina and her brother left Kayla alone and she’s still looking for Jonathan. She’s starting to freak out thinking that there might be a possibility that Jonathan forgot to pick her up. “Where is he?” She asked to herself. She keeps looking in the crowd of people, and find figure that she doesn’t expect to see at all. Her heart skips a beat, as she closes her mouth from jaw dropping with her right hand, accidentally drops some tears and control her brain to try to decide which one is reality of imaginary and all she looks toward her is a tall guy with a blue navy Converse backpack holding 2 yellow plastic bags of Forever 21.

THE END